The Problem with Self-sufficiency

2017. It was a year of disappointment. After a tough year in 2016, I had high hopes and inspiration for 2017. It was going to be my bounce-back year. It was the year that I learn from all the difficulty and hardship from 2016 and blossom in all areas of my life. Goals and standards were set high and my aspiration was it's top. However, it all fell short. 

The start of the first semester, I was feeling quite good. I had my major sorted out. I was quite confident, even overconfident. After a mediocre 2016, I was determined to achieve the marks I did in 2015. I was spending more time studying, I had a determined focus and my expectations were high. However, when I receive my mark for the first test I did. I was shocked. I couldn't understand it, why did I receive such a mediocre mark? I put in so much effort in my studies. If this was 2015, I would have got at least 17/20. Soon I chalked it up as just bad luck, and I will do better in my next test. However, this was not the case. While I would receive satisfactory results in some occasions, the trend was that I never receive the mark I thought I would.

It was not just academics that I experienced this, this was a constant trend throughout different areas of my life. Whether it be relationships not being what I pictured them to be or my job not being as rewarding as I had expected. Even spiritually I was feeling flat at times. I constantly felt like I am falling short on my own expectations. Expectations that I felt I could achieve. It was very tough period. I felt so incompetent and vulnerable. For the first time in my life, I felt like no matter how much effort I put in, I am not getting the results I desired.

While I took some time to reflect, I finally understood the lesson that God was trying to teach me. I was relying too much on my self-sufficiency. I became dependent on my own ability to accomplish tasks. And when the results fall short, I felt like I was to be blamed and that it made me feel deflated. I had placed so much security into my own self-sufficiency. God revealed to me that the problem with relying on my own self-sufficiency was that I am not strong enough to make things happen the way I wanted them to. And that I will always fall short of my own expectations.

One of my favorite song of the year 2017 was King Kaleidoscope's All Glory Be to Christ. The first verse really hits me:

Verse 1:

Should nothing of our efforts stand, no legacy survives

Unless the Lord does raise the house, in vain its builders strive

To you who boast tomorrow's gain, tell me what is your life

A mist that vanishes at dawn, all glory be to Christ!

It's a very humbling song. It reminds me of all the things I have received and will receive is from God. This might be a hard notion to accept and to be honest I still find it difficult to fully integrated into my thinking. We live in such a capitalistic society, in which we are constantly taught that what we earn is dependent on the amount of effort and time we put in. While hard work is a desirable trait and something I still highly advocate. It is also important for us to understand God’s role in all we have and will achieve in life. It will bring light to why we don't succeed sometime in life. And more importantly it keep us dependent on God. Knowing that a good and all sovereign God is providing for me is the best comfort and hope I can ask for.